Dying

The subject of "dying" sneaked in through the back door during my visit with my doctor. I was surprised and not exactly prepared for it. But we'd have to talk about it eventually, so why not? I tried to explain my attitude on the subject, which is not mainstream and she's a mainstream kinda gal, and under 40 to boot, and I don't trust people under 40 ha ha. Seriously, I tried to explain as clearly as possible my philosophy of life, my concern for quality over quantity, my sense of having been blessed and already ahead on points and so just enjoying the gravy (Raymond Carver), and all of this sounds, according to her body language, so intellectual it must be a rationalization for some fear or other, I don't know what she was thinking. But I was in a good mood, smiling, as light as possible, and I didn't once quote Lew Welch, which is not easy when talking about death (the "barbarous natives of this land" who won't let a man die as he pleases). I got out of there without an appointment with the shrink.

Many people are shocked by the suicide of David Foster Wallace. My blog headline is Another, which sums it up. I'm not even sad because he knows better than I what "sad" is in this context. He appears to have had some medical problems that drove him to this extreme kind of relief. Unfortunate and a loss. A minimalist like myself was not wild about this maximalist's writing but no one can deny his talent and his brain.

I am reminded of the best moment of dark humor in the film Sideways. Miles has just had his novel rejected and laments to Jack he can't even commit suicide because he's not famous. Jack brings up the author of "Confederacy of Dunces," who was unknown when he committed suicide -- and THEN became famous. Thanks a lot, says Miles.

When the doctor asked if I was suicidal (!), I said no because, in fact, I'm not. Today. Yesterday. The day before that. But tomorrow? Who the hell knows? I can imagine contexts in which I might become suicidal. Who can't? And as for depression, anyone who listens to the news and isn't depressed needs a reality check.

But today also brought unexpected good news! My classroom assignment, which always concerns me since I show so many films and a room without a projector makes my set up job harder, is one of the brand new high tech rooms, everything including a computer already in the room! I don't have to lug over any equipment at all! A first. I hope it's not the last. Wednesday I even have required "training" in order to learn how to use the room. What a difference.

I look forward to fall term. I'm glad I'm back into the Baumholder novel. Front burner now. Music studies about to begin in earnest. The rhythm of the university, which is good for me. Onward.