The last hurrah

I have, have had for some time, a strong sense of being "at the end of things," and this is good. It's good because I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones and feel my years now are what Raymond Carver called "gravy" years. I have no death wish but I'm ready to go whenever the gods decree. I have two books I want to finish, a feature video I want to shoot, and I'd really like to spend some time feeling "retired." But that's almost too much to ask, given the good favor the gods have shown me already. So I just take it one day at a time, and what happens happens.

But I also prepare for whatever future I do have. I'm grooming my chosen replacement as editor of the review, for example (grooming in a technical sense, not an aesthetic one: sharing the skills, not the judgments, necessary to put it together: it will reflect the new editor's aesthetic in time). I'm thinking about quitting teaching but this would require moving, I think, into a more social landscape. At present, teaching is about the only thing that gets me out of my basement office. Seriously.

I'd still like to spend some time as the old man in the neighborhood who takes his coffee at the same shop, at the same table, at the same time every day. I have a feeling this won't happen but I still wish for it. I'll always be writing but I'd like to finish my present projects and move on to something light and frivolous. A step above a blog.

I'd like to have more time to read -- or rather re-read. There are too many books I want to look at again to have time for anything new, unless it's written by a friend or colleague. I think more highly of a reader who has read a favorite book six times than someone who keeps up with all the best sellers.

Leaving the review and the classroom would be big steps but I'm close to ready to take them.

I also want to finish on my terms as much as possible. I don't want to be like the jock who continues to play too long. When it's over, it's over, and there's no point in delaying the end. This raises a number of controversial issues, which I won't discuss here but am discussing at my posthumous blog.

This is a fine time in my life except that I'm a tad too busy. This is something I plan to fix.