Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar

Moments of Mark Twain at his most witty and biting self.

"Tell the truth or trump - but get the trick."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Adam was but human - this explains all-he did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent: then he would have eaten the serpent."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a dept of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: 'We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.'"
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird-of-paradise."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved?"
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"It is easy to find fault if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"All say, 'How hard it is that we have to die'-a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"October. This is one of the particularly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's opinion."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Behold, the fool saith, 'Put not all thine eggs in one basket'-which is but a manner of saying, 'Scatter your money and your attention;' but the wise man saith,'Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn't see him do it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country's grown so."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Thanksgiving Day. Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji, they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman: if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say she did it with her teeth."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"APRIL 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-

"October 12, The Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it."
-Pudd'nhead Wilson-