On getting old

Old age is like sex: you hear a hell of a lot about it before you experience it but damn little of this information proves to be useful or even accurate.

I've never run from old age. I never wanted to look younger than I am. I don't wish I was born later than I was. Indeed, I rather looked forward to old age in terms of the myth I associated with it: of becoming a kind of Grand Old Man of Letters who became a fixture in his neighborhood. This ain't happenin'. Probably won't. For starters, I live in a "modern" neighborhood where houses are distant, sidewalks don't exist for neighborhood strolling, and no one knows anyone.

I don't like everything about my experience of old age so far. I don't like having an arthritic knee or a weak immune system. I don't mind my hair going, though. I don't like the lustful energy of my mind being ahead of the lustful energy of my body. I like not having to prove myself to or validate myself to or impress anyone. I like feeling good about myself but I don't like not feeling good about much that surrounds me. I wish I could be more amused than depressed by the culture's hype of mediocrity. Hype has exploded exponentially since my youth. It's astounding what high praise goes to crap. At the same time, there's as much genius and talent out there as ever. However, it's harder to find because Pop Culture has a choke hold on the culture, especially the publishing and movie industries. I'm saying nothing new here. Lots of books, studies, memoirs on the subject. But I'm glad I came of age as an artist in the 60s, not now. I used to think the Internet was going to save the culture but this is what was said about radio and television, too. Won't be long before everyone is going to be asked to pay for email, and that will define the New Internet.

I still hope I can live in a neighborhood where I can walk to everything. I want to become a carless person. I want to live in a neighborhood I can afford. I hope we decide to sell our house this summer and start moving in that direction but the consensus isn't yet reached.

I don't like feeling like I'm waiting for the bus, which is how I feel sometimes. I feel best when I'm busy with a project, so I try to keep busy.

I like more about growing old than I dislike. If that's ever reversed, I can think of a clear, if not easy, remedy.